I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
