NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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