Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
