found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
