We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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