He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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