Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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