sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize