Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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