i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i now understand why vodka
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
