last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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