Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
