Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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