if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
