so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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