I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
