Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
