I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
