$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I need to calm my uterus...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
