Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
me + whiskey = a bad person
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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