Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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