she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
