My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize