my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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