Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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