You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
