Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
