dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
