the new term for farting is butt boxing.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
