I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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