I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
