Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
