Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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