Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
