When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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