I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
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