I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
