All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize