How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
