why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
