I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
