so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
