Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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