note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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