if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
