In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
