my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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