You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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