I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
