Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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