I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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