new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My vagina is officially offended.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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