She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
