I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
