I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
