I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
