she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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